I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
