the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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