i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
