Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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