I think I won the penis lottery.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
