We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
