I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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