My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
