Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
