the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
