So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can you repeat that, but with context?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
