She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
