I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
