My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
honey bunches of taint.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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