You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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