Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
