Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
