I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
