I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're a waste of cheezeits
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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