dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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