I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
