you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
