eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
