I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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