I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
