My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
