first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
