He had one of those small greek statue penises
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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