I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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