It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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