it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
