just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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