Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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