Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
