she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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