I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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