ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
