She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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