Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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