I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
