Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
