It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
