I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
