he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There are leaves in my underwear?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
