Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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