I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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