Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
