you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
