this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
