we should wear snuggies to the strip club
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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