So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you had me at cake vodka
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
