you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
