After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
