is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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