This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
