break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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