When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
