Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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