I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
then he tried to convert me to islam
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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