i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
