we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
